When simple tasks aren't so simple anymore.

Today has been a trying day for mama. 

I am not sure why Mollie Kate is grumpy about life today, but she totally is. (It's possible that she's tired of going to Hobby Lobby ever day after school.) 

Don't worry girl, you'll love it one day, it's in your genes.

Anywho, I needed to run in and grab 2 things and I knew exactly where they were. After that, I needed to go into Kroger and buy some flowers. What could have been a 5 minute trip into each store turned into an hour and a half. My patience was running thin and my bottle of wine was calling my name. 

While rocking her to bed, I prayed for patience. Again. As I always have to do.

I know it's unrealistic, but I don't want her to see me undone and bothered by the small things. At the same time, I want her to see me fall to my knees, begging for the patience that life and love demand.  I know she was feeding off of my mood. I know I should have dropped everything else and gone outside to play or gone for ice cream together. The other things can wait. She will only be a toddler for a moment. She will only beg me to hold her for a few more months... If that long. I get angry with myself when I don't recognize these things in the moment. But, now I know for next time. I'm human, and a first time mom... I'm bound to let things get the best of me, right?

She's sleeping now. It's 7:11 and still daylight. The house needs to be cleaned again from the tornado that is named, Mollie Kate. But instead, I think I'll sit here and watch HGTV. Because if I don't, then I'm letting another moment pass me by. A moment of "me" time. 

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

All the feels

All. The. Feels. 

I have never in my ENTIRE life been as emotional as I have been the last three days. I cannot stop counting my blessings. Over and over. I am in awe. I look at Mollie and I swear I fight back the tears. Why? Because she is so freakin awesome that my heart literally cannot stand it. I think she's awesome when she's awake. I think she's awesome when she whines. I think she's freakin awesome when she calls me "MiMi" instead of "mama" and I think she's awesome when she lets me rock her for a quick minute before she goes to bed for 12 hours. 

Side note- I am not saying that motherhood is not hard. I would be LYING if I said that being a mother/wife/teacher/combo is easy. It's not. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I fail daily. I fail at being a mom and I fail at being a wife. I have found many faults in myself over the past 14 months. But every single smile makes all the work so worth it. 

My heart aches hoping she feels as much love FROM me as I feel FOR her. She is my light in this crazy world. She makes me so proud and makes me look forward to the future.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:2

Paci game... Part 2.

As I mentally prepare myself to make the paci a bedtime only situation in a few weeks... I can't help but notice how obsessed Mollie is with her paci's these days. At any given time she has one hanging from her shirt, one in her mouth, and one in each hand. My favorite part is when she changes them out.. As if the current one in her mouth isn't good enough. She goes to bed rubbing a paci on her eyes (similar to what she used to do with her fuzzy mittens.)  As I rocked her tonight, I handed her the second paci, where she then sat up, changed them out, and laid back down on my chest, as if it were totally normal. I couldn't help but think of the thing that once consumed my life... The paci game.  If only I knew that in a matter of what seems like days, she would no longer need me for this game. She would so soon be able to not only spit them out and replace them, but hold 4 at one time. My baby is no longer a baby. My baby is a growing toddler. I'm trying hard to hold on to the few things that keep her my baby girl, like a paci... And her new paci game. I'm okay with it. It makes me smile. 

That moment.

So I didn't know this, and no one told me about it, but I'm positive I'm not the only one in all of history to feel it. There is a moment...a monumental moment...where a mom or parent becomes a child's life. I don't know when it happened specifically, but it has. For months far before she could have even known it, Ben and I joked about who her favorite was. Of course I thought it was me, but often, he thought it was me too. BUT... Mollie has always been a people person. She didn't care who was talking to her and holding her, she was eating it up. She didn't meet a stranger.

Until now. 

You see, over the past week or so, I have noticed that she isn't as willing to go to everyone else. She isn't as brave as she once was. Instead of watching tv and playing on the floor, even if for only a moment, she wants to be in my arms. After naps she wants to rock and cuddle, and before bed she lets me love on her for just a moment longer than she used too. I am her home base. I am her safety net. And don't get me wrong, she loves her daddy and he is bound to be her favorite with his kid self trapped in a 34 year old body. But for now, she is my world. And I am hers. And I will cling on to that as long as she lets me. 

Mamas do you remember that moment? When you realized that baby knows YOU are living for him or her? 

"When I tell you I love you. I don't say it out of habit or to make conversation. I say it to remind you that you are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me."

On the wonderful, marvelous, night you were born...

The light in me sees the light in you. 

I've been anxious about this post for a while now. When Mollie turned 9 months old, I felt the walls closing in. She was closer to one than she was a newborn. And here it is... Like a thief in the night, my newborn came and went.

I. Have. A. One. Year. Old. 

My littlest and greatest accomplishment is becoming a tiny human. She has a mind of her own like her mama and a sense of humor of her daddy. She's a major over achiever with her 2T clothes, working on 16 teeth, and walking by 11 months. I think that's why I am so sad. There is minimal "baby" left in my baby. 

Thinking back, much like her birth, I remember this year like a vivid dream. Almost like I was watching it all happen. 

I've now felt a love for someone else that I didn't know could exist, much less know I was capable of.  

Mollie Kate, you truly are the light of our lives. We are a thousand times better just because we get to see your smiles and hear your laughs. You make us proud every minute of every day. You alone are responsible for so many of our own smiles.  We love you to the moon and back.

"For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
has the world ever known a you, my friend,
and it never will, not ever again…

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn
on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born."

Stormy mommy.

I'm knocking, but I think I'm at the wrong door. I'm praying but I think my words are getting lost in translation. Hello?? Is this thing on? Maybe my ears are clogged. I honestly do think that I am hearing His voice but the words and answers seem jumbled...similar to that of the teacher on Charlie Brown.

Am I the only one? Surely not. Right? He knows my heart. He knows what I am capable of and what I can handle. I know this. But sometimes, I am tempted to say, "Hey there big guy, are you sure?" 

I wish this post was about the stormy season of Mollie's leap. Its not. It's so much more about the stormy season of mommy. I am full of confusion and blessings, love and frustration. My trust is in God. But my brain wants me to know His plan. I have no wise words.

I am forever grateful to have a supportive and caring family that I can lean on and a hilarious, beautiful, baby girl to make me smile even when I really don't want to. 

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

—Luke 11:9–10

From the bottom of my heart, all stormy seasons of life, whether long or short, are worth going through just to see you smile.

The selfish side of being called "mama"

I don't remember the last time I had a good, long, no reason cry... I guess that's a good thing. I have very little in my life to cry about. Tonight, sitting at our best friends house with a child who thought two 30 min naps was enough for her today, so sleepy she couldn't keep her eyes open, and too sleepy to actually stay asleep, I felt defeated. I felt the weight of the entire world on my shoulders and all I wanted to do was sit next to my sister wife and drink a glass of wine...or 5. 

It's been a tough week. Not the toughest, trust me, I know others have it worse than me. But in general, it's been tougher than the average week.

It's football season so I see my husband less than I would like. It's almost over though, and it's been a good one. For that, I am grateful. 

My job is challenging, as most teachers jobs are, although my challenge doesn't come from stress of grades, scores, tests, and all the acronyms...it's  challenging in a way I honestly can't even explain. I'm sure everyone in the building just thinks we are all nuts up in room 23... Walking around all wide eyed and silent and whatnot. 

This week I felt the heartbreak of the city that lost a girl that was much too young to lose. Someone I called a friend...someone that I hadn't seen in quite some time.

The adult duties of home ownership and well...just being a clean person in general, seemed to pile on all while my precious, smart, beautiful daughter is trying to learn to walk and her ever learning mind is keeping her from falling asleep. She gets it honestly... I mean instead of sleeping right now, I'm blogging. (Do as I say, not as I do.) 

In summary...This mama is tired. The frustration came like a wildfire and the tears were the water that put it out. I was scared to admit that the devil was winning for the day. I am actually not a super human and I need to sit, nap, sleep, eat an actual meal... 

Through the tired and defeated tears I opened my Jesus Calling app and as always it didn't disappoint. 

"Lie down in green pastures of Peace. Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd. This electronic age keeps My children “wired” much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments. I built into your very being the need for rest." 

Mind. Blown. I am thankful for the small reminders of His presence. The reminders that show up when you need them most... when your doubt and shame is casting a shadow over the truly colorful and crazy life that He has so graciously laid out ahead for us.

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."

—Genesis 2:2–3

Being an adult isn't always fun, but atleast I get to love on this cute kid! 

Also a throwback shout out to these pretty girls! May you cherish every moment...Even the ones that make you cry for no reason... 

Cheers to you, Ashlyn. 😘