Tuesday, September 22, 2015

In the face of defeat...

Defeated: overcome by adversity

I am aware of the negativity of the word. And yet, on many a day, it is the way I feel. I feel it at my job, I feel it as a mom, I feel it as a Christian. On paper, I have very little to feel defeated about. But the feeling can still be there...like a little black rain cloud. Let's call it a bad day. Heck, a bad week. (I know, it's only Tuesday.) Today was one of those days. My job got the best of me. I usually pride myself on not being a teacher that brings home work.  As a PreK teacher, I don't bring home papers to grade or anything of that physical nature. But the emotional baggage of the day can be a heavy load. Often, I come home from work, exhausted both physically and emotionally. I oversee the learning process of 20 four year olds. Emotions run wild (as do germs) in room 23. Sometimes, I am too tired and too defeated to fully enjoy the 3 hours of family time that I get. Make that 1.5 hours by the time Ben gets home from football. 

Today was one of those days. I couldn't shake my work baggage. I brought it home with me. And guess what, that leads to feeling defeated as a mom. I'm always in need. But when I lay my head on the pillow, the questions and doubt run crazy. "Did I make her smile enough?" "I should get down on the floor with her more.." "She wasn't happy when I cut her bath short. I hope she doesn't remember." 

Defeat. It's a mind game. I decided to turn to scripture to find out what the Word has to say about the feeling. The first verse I read was: 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

All I could say was, "Amen." 

As a working mom, I'm bound to have days where I am exhausted and question my energy. I'm bound to feel helpless and defeated. In my profession, far too often, the feeling of defeat is much too familiar. But in both worlds...I am afflicted, not crushed. I may get struck down time and time again, but I am not destroyed. My God has my back. My God will show me the right path. The path He laid for me before I ever took a breath. My God does all of that and more. Thank goodness He was not defeated. Thank goodness He makes each day new with the sun. 

Hebrews 10:35-36 Therefore do not throw away your confidence,which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Laughing is so fun... Except I'm tired and don't want to do it anymore...


Monday, September 14, 2015

275 days.

BAM! And just like that, she is NINE months old. My Mollie Kate is a mere 13 weeks away from being ONE! I think I just threw up a little bit. I have no words. I have thoughts, but they seem jumbled. She is a perfect mix of her daddy and I. She looks just like him and is opinionated and moody just like me. That smile... You've seen it. It could change the world. It will change the world. I've struggled lately, as some of you may have seen. I've struggled with separation from this awesome creature that I personally grew. It's always been hard to leave her. But now, she's too much fun. We have our days mostly down to an art. I've finally reached that part of motherhood where I know what she needs before she needs it. It took a full 9 months, but I'm there. And it's awesome. It's awesome (and scary) to be fully aware of someone like that. To be needed like that. If ever I didn't know my role in this world, I know it now. 

Let me clarify before people go all off about how I'm bragging about my perfect kid and my perfect this that and the other. It's been a HARD nine months. Even when she sleeps through the night, I don't. I'll wake up and be like "oh shoot, she hasn't made a noise in 4 hours, that's cool.. But before I close my eyes, let me go make sure her chest is going up and down." I remember the last time my mom kept her for the night, we went out after a game for a few drinks. I wanted to "enjoy my night off." I woke up at 6 that morning in a straight up panic. 

I'm not bragging. I am so blessed to have the many gifts that I have. I have a husband that has put up with and loved me for 8 years. Dogs that love and deal with us. Family that helps out with anything we need. And this awesome, amazing, beautifully chunky offspring. I'm unworthy. I should fall to my knees more. God has blessed my life. God has expanded my heart these past nine months. My biggest prayer is that Mollie can and will see God through me. And that I can see the world through her. She is my gateway to Heaven. She is my glimpse of a life by His side until I am permanently in His amazing Courts. My soul aches for more of Him because His love is shown to me daily through the child that He created. I am not perfect. My family is not perfect. This world, our life, is so far from perfect. But perfection does exist in my life for now, and her name is Mollie. And she is only perfect because God washes away any imperfections. May He be her light all of her days. And may I be the map that leads her to Him. 

Happy 9 months sweet girl. You have no idea how much you are loved. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
—Psalm 139:13–16