Stepping out of the darkness

I wrote this blog post when Baker was 3 weeks old. I never shared it. I was scared. I was ashamed. But here it is. 

Stepping out of the darkness. 

Scene: Close to perfect family. Wonderful home. Beautiful nursery. House filled with laughter and love. Sweet toddler. New squishy baby. 

Behind the scene: frustrated, emotional and exhausted mama. 

A glimpse into my real world...Not my everything is shiny and rainbows social media world. The world where I cry when no one is looking but I don’t know what I’m crying about. Where my heart could explode from the love of my two kids at any given moment. I still feel confused, lost, and alone in my feels, even though everyone assures me they are completely normal. 

You see, I’m good.. 99% of the time, I’m happy, out and about, making memories with my family, drinking my (homemade) PSL unless I’ve been up all night and then Starbucks can make it for me. But that 1% is crap. It’s lonely. And it’s confusing as hell. I have this insanely cute family. So what am I crying for? My toddler loves my newborn. My husband loves me. We all love each other. What’s with the tears? 

I legit ask myself that every single day. I don’t know the answer. 

But I do know that every day is better than the last. I know that when I surround myself in the word of God, that 1% gets smaller. I know I have a stellar support system that lets me vent without judgement and pours me wine when my glass is low. 

I am not one to air my dirty laundry out for everyone to see and judge. But I felt it was important to let moms that may feel the same way know that I see them. I pray for you. I know the struggle. You are not alone. When everyone in that hospital room leaves your side and goes to the baby and you’re laying there in your stirrups watching the madness around you... I see you. I’m there for you. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

Eventually life will go back to normal. Or so I am told... I’ll let you know when we get there. 

You are a freakin rockstar. 

I see you. 

My God, my soul is so traumatized; the only help is remembering You wherever I may be.” (Psalm 42:6)

**Update**

I have overcome the darkness. The devil did not win. Life has gotten a little easier. And my love-stronger. 

I mean, it took like 3 straight hours to get both kids bathed and ready for bed last night. But it’s our normal now. I’m thankful for a husband that helps out fearlessly. And for a God that prevails.