Big...

Today was the real day.  I went back to work and I will be there for 43 more working days this school year.  ( Those of you that don't teach...spare me the "You're so lucky to get summers off," gig.) I know, it's my profession and we work our bones off while we are in school....that is a whole other post for a different day. 

The day was good.  It was all that I could hope for. My daughter was happy when I dropped her off and happy when I returned.  She had three bottles, two naps, and one fit.  My kids at work were good.  I actually had fun teaching today.  I hope they did too.  We are learning addition (Insert crazy shocked face.). 

Anyways, the day was good.  Then, my friend, Holly, sent me a hateful link to a blog.  Okay, so it wasn't hateful. It's sweet.  And perfect. And it's exactly what I've been trying to put into words.  But, I cried.  So that was hateful.  :) Basically, the article is about the "big feelings" we have as mom. Big love, fear, gratitude, doubt...big time.  This mama was spot on.  You have all of these feelings as a person.  But they grow so strong as a mama.  I can only imagine that they grow with each child.  The biggest of all?  The love.  I talked about it recently, but it's so overwhelming that it's hard to comprehend.  It hurts. The love hurts.  That's how you know it's real.  That's how you know it's big.  

When I pulled out of the babysitters driveway this morning, my heart ached.  I needed one more kiss. I needed another day.  Even when I lay her in bed at night... I secretly look forward to 5 am when she wakes up and comes to my bed to cuddle.  I know that soon I will blink and she will be going to her own classroom where she will learn how to add... Or worse, how to drive.  

Gracious.  I wish I had a pause button.  

Thank you Jen Hatmaker, for putting my feelings into words that make them make sense.  And a big thanks to those of you that have thought about and prayed for me and Mollie on our journey to a new normal.  Keep them coming.  18 years or so sound good? :) 

http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/i-wish-someone-wouldve-warned-me-about-these-big-feelings

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

Let them be little...

Throughout the past 3 months, I have (not so verbally) bragged on what a great baby Mollie Kate is for us.  She basically started sleeping 4-5 hour stretches at one week old and 8-10 hours at night since she was around 6 weeks. I didn't hear her first real cry until she was 7 weeks and even until last week, it only was happening when she was hungry. She gets hangry. She's just like her mother.  Mollie has been an ideal first born.  I know, super annoying, right? I apologize. 

Watching her grow these last 13 weeks has been so rewarding and so indescribable.  I guess because I have seen her grow gradually (okay, let's not lie, you have too. #allthephotos) I don't always notice the major changes.  But this past week, I tried to take it in, and I realized my tiny newborn is not a tiny newborn anymore!! Everything about her seems to have grown up over night! I mean, she can hold her head up so well, and you've seen those cheeks... That's quite an accomplishment. Anyways, my point is, I realize that she is getting bigger. And she realizes it too because she is bored with just sitting around.  She wants to get up and go and she is very frustrated that she in unable to do so.  So, she gets fussy. I'm over here like, "Hey yo, you're such a big girl...why are you crying?" 

Duh.

She's crying because she is 13 weeks old!! It's her job.  She's not grown yet, mama.  Not even close.  

This can be frustrating for her so therefore is frustrating for me.  Like I said, she wants to be able to do what she wants when she wants. But it's not happening anytime soon. And I know that she will be happy when she can crawl all over the place and become a big ball of Rowdy hair... But I want her to be little.  I want to enjoy every second of these moments while she is little.  I have to thank God for this time because although it may be a trying time and a stormy week, it won't last.  In 13 short weeks, she will seem really grown! 26 weeks?? Naw. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

MK, mommy says to stay little. Stay happy. Keep those cheeks as big as you want. They are perfect. You are perfect. 

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

And though she be but little, she is fierce.  - William Shakespeare 

A letter to my girl...

My sweet angel love, 

   When you were born, my whole world changed in a way I never could have imagined.  My love for you is almost incomprehensible. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved our family, our dogs, and your daddy to the moon and back.  But the love I have for you is so strong that it almost hurts.  My head is always working to make sure you are safe and comfortable. I find my arms reaching out for you when you're in someone else's.  I find myself wanting to cheat the system and instead of laying you back down in your crib, I want to lay you down next to me and snuggle while you will still let me. 

    You see, sweet baby girl, you have defied the odds and made this selfish 20 something into someone and something I never knew I could be so easily. You have been a near perfect baby and by no means am I a perfect mother... But I am yours. And you are mine. And in my eyes, that is perfection.  Sweet angel of mine, please know that as I head back to work, my arms will be around other children, but you have my whole heart wrapped around those tiny fingers of yours. The world is so lucky to have you.  And your daddy and I are by far the luckiest to be able to tuck you in each night and see your smile each morning to start our day.  I know when you grow up, you will move mountains.  But please know this, in just the few short months you have been here, you've accomplished so much and are loved more than words could ever express. 

    My heart, my love, my reason for being a mom, you are a piece of Heaven on Earth.  God is going to do such great things with you and that infectious smile.  I cannot wait to watch each and every one of them.  

With all of my heart,

Your smitten mom

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

What I don't need...

What I don't need...

In 7 days, I will drop my 12 week old off at my mothers house for the day while I go back to work.  I will lose 7-8 hours of my time with her to love on and spend time with 20 kids that have missed me these past 12 weeks. As sweet as it is to have a piece of those kids hearts... My heart will be broken. Don't get me wrong, I am stoked about hugging each and every one of my kiddos. Even the ones I wasn't sure I would miss... I do.  But it will be a day of such mixed emotions. 

On that day, and the days leading up to it, and the 10 weeks (10, not 9) of work that follow, what I don't need is your advice.  I don't need your kind words of encouragement. (Although encouragement is always welcome.) I don't need your judgement or your stories.  

What I do need is your prayers. I understand that thousands or millions of moms meet "that day" head on and come out on the other side.  I even know that some moms look forward to going back to work and having the opportunity for adult interaction and missing their children. And I don't judge.  But, it's not me. I know that my heart won't actually break.  I know that 3:00 will come and in 5 minutes or so (God willing) I will hold Mollie Kate in my arms again.  But for those 7-8 hours I will feel lost.  I will feel like my other half is missing.  And then, when I get used to having her back in my arms, spring break will have come and gone.  I will have to drop her off somewhere new and my heart will ache all over again.  I need time to pause...but that won't happen...so I need your prayers. 

10 weeks and 1 day.  I need prayers for courage and strength.  Anyone can do anything for 10 weeks and 1 day... Right? 

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

2 Corinthians 5:7