Pregnant during a pandemic??

Gosh, it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted on here. I’ve thought about it a few times, but really didn’t have much to say. I’m a full time PreK teaching, mom of two, coach’s wife...oh and I’m in grad school. Oh yea and I’m pregnant again. So life is pretty boring.  jk. 

But in all seriousness... if I am being honest, my very little down time is spent aimlessly scrolling, texting friends back (sometimes...I really suck at that lately), and trying to sleep before the soon to be middle kid wakes up, or the elderly dog needs out...again. 

But now. Now I have ALL the down time. We went on spring break and BAM, we aren’t returning until at least April 27th. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted some snow days. But not like this. “The Rona” pandemic is much more than we asked for, much more than anyone asked for. 

I want to take a second and thank all of the “essentials” that are still up and running. You guys are the real MVPs. And all the ones out of jobs for now, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I love my service industry, hair, and nail friends, and so many more! To the gym people, you’re kicking ass and taking names online and it is proof that nothing can get us down. 

I feel for the immune deficient friends and family and ones that I don’t even know that are suffering in unimaginable ways right now. Heck, even all of you who didn’t go into education that are now being forced to learn how we do what we do when we do (it.) (SOMEONE tell me they caught my Salt n Pepa reference there!) It’s not for the faint of heart, I tell ya! 

But what I really want to talk about, is how it feels to be pregnant or expecting in some sort of way during this. I’m carrying my third child, from the get go my anxiety has been worse than ever before. So much so that I talked with my doctor and didn’t get off my meds because I didn’t think I could handle it. But now this. To be honest, I wasn’t scared of Covid-19. I followed the guidelines and hoped for the best, and then things started getting messier and I was able to read the severity of it all. In the US, pregnant women aren’t considered to be in the same “at risk” category as the elderly and autoimmune or immune deficient folks. And for that, I am somewhat glad, but every day there’s something new to learn about. This virus seems to be mutating. And to me, that is frightening. The unknown and the waiting is so much to take in and sometimes too much to take at all. Baker was tested for immune deficiencies and it came back fine, but if you’ve followed us at all, you know that kid gets the most random stuff. So I’m worried. And I’m worried about if I get it. And can it affect my baby or will it possibly mutate where it will affect the baby? And what if this is all still happening when I deliver the baby? I have big plans of going natural, but in my head, Ben, my mom, and Erica (doula bff) would all be there to help me through that. And as of right now, that wouldn’t be the case. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have a lump in my throat and I cry pretty much every night around 7:00 with absolutely zero reasoning except I’m anxious and scared and tired and out of my comfort zone here. I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re scared or anxious, whoever you may be, solidarity.  We don’t need to reason with it. We need to cast it all on Jesus. Because He already knows the outcome. 

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Did I love her enough today?

A week long Thanksgiving break is coming to an end. It came right after a week full of illness. So we have had an extreme amount of family time. 

During said time, Mollie Kate has become an official stage 5 clinger. 

She’s always wanted me near by, but in the past 12 days, she has basically become another body part to me. And here’s the kicker, she’s not always nice. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Like she wants to be next to me, but she’s mad at me for who knows what. 

Girl, bye. 

All day long, I’m lost on how to parent her. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I miss my shows, I miss taking a bath without her sitting by the tub...and I know she HAS to feel my anxiety and hear the horrible selfish tone in my voice. 

And then she lays down in bed, and she cuddles and we laugh and talk...and I walk out of the room thinking, “Did I even love her enough today?” And tonight, like many other nights, I feel myself fall short. She and her brother and their dad are every single beat of my heart. My world. But I know for certain I don’t show it. I know my frustration gets the best of me. I know I am selfish. I know I fight back with a 3 year old and just make the issue (whatever it may be at the time) that much bigger.  

I just hope that when she goes to bed at night, she remembers the laughter and cuddles over the frustration and tiredness of her selfish mama. I hope she knows she is the reason I breathe and also my fresh air...even when I don’t show it. What slows my anxiety is knowing that she was created in God’s image, and He sees the good...so hopefully she does too. 

We are all just out here doing our best. Even if our best at the time is not our actual best. 

Keep your love for one another at full strength, because love covers a multitude of sins. -1 Peter 4:8

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. -Proverbs 14:1

I. Do. Not. Want. To. CoSleep!

It’s been a while, huh? #twokids 

Hear my words. Listen to my claps.  I do not want to cosleep. 

Y’all. I was told there was a bond between a baby boy and his mama. And it’s real. What’s funny is, his daddy can make him smile bigger than anyone. (Except for MK.) But when it comes to sleep... he wants his mama. (Insert heart eyes)

He goes down to bed so wonderfully in his crib. I can put him down drowsy, he holds his little blanket and puts himself to sleep. Until my head hits the pillow. Then we play the paci game a few times. Usually until the 2:00 hour. After that... I’m tired of getting up and put him right next to me in my bed. Where he sleeps beautifully and dreams sweetly until the AM. 

I couldn’t pay Mollie to sleep with me when she was little. 

But who am I kidding. He sleeps so good...one hand on me...unless he wiggles his way into the “nuck” of my belly and one hand on his blanket.

And the two of them together in the mornings is my FAVORITE! 

“Let me love you a little more before you’re not so little anymore.”

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” 
—Exodus 33:14

Not even a mouse..

It’s Christmas night. My whole family is sleeping. Literally not a creature stirring...

But I’m here. Overwhelmed by the joy in my heart. So very thankful that a sweet, beautiful, and mighty baby boy was born so many years ago. 

My emotions this holiday have run wild. I often wonder what exactly my place is in this world. But I look at my children and I know without a doubt why I am here. Though my patience is short, and my struggles are real, my heart is full. 

I hope that no matter what you celebrate, your days are very merry. 

I thank my lucky stars that the Savior was born on this day...lighting my path of existence and leading me to exactly where I am right now. 

Stepping out of the darkness

I wrote this blog post when Baker was 3 weeks old. I never shared it. I was scared. I was ashamed. But here it is. 

Stepping out of the darkness. 

Scene: Close to perfect family. Wonderful home. Beautiful nursery. House filled with laughter and love. Sweet toddler. New squishy baby. 

Behind the scene: frustrated, emotional and exhausted mama. 

A glimpse into my real world...Not my everything is shiny and rainbows social media world. The world where I cry when no one is looking but I don’t know what I’m crying about. Where my heart could explode from the love of my two kids at any given moment. I still feel confused, lost, and alone in my feels, even though everyone assures me they are completely normal. 

You see, I’m good.. 99% of the time, I’m happy, out and about, making memories with my family, drinking my (homemade) PSL unless I’ve been up all night and then Starbucks can make it for me. But that 1% is crap. It’s lonely. And it’s confusing as hell. I have this insanely cute family. So what am I crying for? My toddler loves my newborn. My husband loves me. We all love each other. What’s with the tears? 

I legit ask myself that every single day. I don’t know the answer. 

But I do know that every day is better than the last. I know that when I surround myself in the word of God, that 1% gets smaller. I know I have a stellar support system that lets me vent without judgement and pours me wine when my glass is low. 

I am not one to air my dirty laundry out for everyone to see and judge. But I felt it was important to let moms that may feel the same way know that I see them. I pray for you. I know the struggle. You are not alone. When everyone in that hospital room leaves your side and goes to the baby and you’re laying there in your stirrups watching the madness around you... I see you. I’m there for you. You. Are. Not. Alone. 

Eventually life will go back to normal. Or so I am told... I’ll let you know when we get there. 

You are a freakin rockstar. 

I see you. 

My God, my soul is so traumatized; the only help is remembering You wherever I may be.” (Psalm 42:6)

**Update**

I have overcome the darkness. The devil did not win. Life has gotten a little easier. And my love-stronger. 

I mean, it took like 3 straight hours to get both kids bathed and ready for bed last night. But it’s our normal now. I’m thankful for a husband that helps out fearlessly. And for a God that prevails. 

The hardest thing I've ever done...

The hardest thing I've ever done. 

I'm certain I've said this about many other things in my life. But this time, it's true. Maybe my emotions are everywhere. Maybe my body isn't healing as quickly as I think it should. Maybe somewhere along the way I got too big for my britches and thought, "Hey, I got this." 

Truth is. I don't have this. It's freaking hard. I can't even pick up my 2 year old because the newborn jacked up my body. And she doesn't understand that. And he's so stinking cute that I would totally do it again tomorrow for him. Well, maybe not tomorrow. That seems painful. But you get the point. 

But I sit here and complain, and feel sorry for myself, and apologize to Ben because I think I should be more of a super woman than I am... and honestly, what I should be doing is praying. Thanking God for two beautiful and healthy children. Two pretty much seamless deliveries. One husband that gets my medicine so I don't OD on something and doesn't judge when I tell him to go to the store because my tots need cabbage on them STAT. (Sorry, too much?) 

Mothering two kids is freaking hard. Especially when you're not at 100%. I can't imagine being the Father to the world... facing the enemy head on, and doing so with little complaint while many hate you and your body takes an actual beating. 

I am able to love my kids fiercely because He first loved me. 

For that, I am forever grateful. 

Genesis 2:7 Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

I am sorry to have done that to you...

Be still my heart.

I planned to spend an entire day with you. Loving you and telling you over and over how much you mean to me. How just because I was bringing another baby into the world wouldn't change our relationship as you know it. How you were gaining a great responsibility and how I knew you would protect him like he was yours. 

Instead, I left in the middle of the night. Likely, by the time you wake, your little life will have forever changed. I'm sorry to have done that to you when I know you don't understand. 

I pray you love him. I pray you don't hold it against me. Most importantly I pray that you know exactly how much I have loved every single moment of all 1,000+ days I've gotten to have you as an only child. 

A letter to my first born before my second is born...

In a very short amount of time, our family will welcome a sweet, squishy, baby boy. And just like that, I will take your beautiful world and inevitably turn it upside down. The mixed emotions of joy and pain fill me up. I see glimpses of the big sister you will be when you take care of your dolls and read them bed time stories. My heart melts knowing that you are a "mama bear" and that you will love and protect him.  At the same time, my heart aches knowing you will no longer get my undivided attention. The only attention you've ever known. 

I need you to know that you're my person. You're the one that made me "mom." You're the first to hear my heartbeat on the inside. You will always be my baby girl. 

I'm equally as torn knowing Baker will never have the undivided attention I once gave you. But he won't know the difference. You will. 

My biggest prayer for you is for a tiny bit of  understanding. It's bound to be an understanding that I think you're too young to fully be capable of, but I pray that you know that my heart bursts with pride for you. That even though I may seem more distant in a few weeks, my mind is always on you. And I will help you grow into you're new and important role as "big sister" of our family. 

I look forward to my plans of weekly mommy/daughter dates that I hope we continue until you go off to college and then some. 

I know you will have questions. I know you may want to send him back. I promise to try and take those days one moment at a time... giving you the benefit of the doubt. 

You are going to do great things. I thank God for the time we've had as a family of 3. And I can't wait to see how He uses you when we become a family of 4. 

Until then... I will snuggle you as often as I possibly can. I will watch Moana or Barbie with you one thousand times a day. I will let you nap with me and I will let you eat popsicles for lunch...

You are my sun. My moon. And all of my stars. 

I love you. 

#toddlerlife

Parenting a toddler is not for the faint of heart. Mollie Kate is the exact definition of a sour patch kid. First she's sour... then she's sweet. I'm literally kept on my toes at all times. 

We are in that "I want to do it myself stage..." Except, then she decides she doesn't want to do it (whatever "it" is) at all so she plops down on the floor and has a total meltdown and no one knows why the hell (Can I say hell? I mean why not?) she's crying. 

Then.... she decides that MOMMY IS LIFE (🙌🏻) and we literally cannot get any closer to each other. We are usually just one big web of arms and legs wrapped around each other because that's how she calms down from whatever just caused the meltdown. 

Confused? Yea. Me too. 

Also, did I mention that daddy is not allowed to do anything? Not change her, bathe her, take her out of the bath, put her in a car seat, take her out of the car seat... everything is "mommy do it."  He is allowed to get her milk... but that's about it. 

Poor daddy. Really, he wants to help. And mommy is freaking exhausted. 

And then like clockwork, I put her to bed... because "mommy do it" and I instantly miss her. Geesh. This household is just a big ball of hormones. Thankful daddy is getting a little guy in September to balance out the crazy. 

Again, toddler life... send help...and in September, send ALL the wine. 

I wonder if I myself seem like a sour patch kid to God? On Sundays I dwell in His house, praising His name and by Monday at 3:00 PM I'm falling on the floor in a tantrum because "I don't want to adult anymore." I'm thankful for His forgiving nature. I'm thankful that no matter how "sour" I am being, He welcomes me with open arms to try again. Every day is made new. My prayer is that no matter how frustrated my mama heart can get, no matter how exhausted I am, my kids know that they are my world... their sourness will never push me away. I will always hold them while they come out of a meltdown and encourage them to try again tomorrow...

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 

—1 Peter 5:5–6

 

    

Feeling mediocre

Warning: pity party and sappy post ahead-read with caution

I'm beating myself up. I keep telling myself how mediocre I'm being. Mediocre wife, mediocre at my job, even mediocre mom... 

To be honest, I haven't felt very good for a few weeks. After 13 weeks of baby nausea... I was feeling pretty good for a while with the exception of some minor pregnancy aches and pains and then BAM. Bronchitis. It's not the biggest deal in the world, obviously, but has left me feeling way less than 100% and often leaves me running a slight fever which knocks me down harder than it should. Mix in the end of the school year chaos, a husband trying to work full time, coach, finish school, work a second job, etc... and #toddlerlife... who by the way is also sick... I'm basically useless. Ben does 95% of the things around the house. Either I'm too tired or legit don't care enough that the house is completely filthy...either way, it's basically up to him if the house is even straightened up throughout the week. I'm surviving. And keeping the toddler alive. And I guess completing the important task of keeping myself and the baby alive too...  

Anyways, all of this to say, he could judge me. He could think "wow, she's pretty worthless." But he doesn't. He tells me to get in bed. He tells me he will make dinner. He tells me to get a bath and relax. 

I know Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. But he deserves the shoutout.  

Every trial, every error, every happy moment, and every victory, I think you're the best. And I know without a doubt I don't say it enough, but thank you. I love you more today than yesterday. And you still love me through all my mediocre moments... which is great because I said I would start dinner while you were at practice and I'm still laying in bed watching Caillou (which btw is the WORST.) 😘

 

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. —PSALM 62:5

 

Fear not.

Fear not. 

That's what the preacher man said today in church. But in my personal opinion, that's easier said than done when there are so many things in this world to fear. So many things you can't control. So many worries for a mama heart to worry. 

I couldn't help but think of some beautiful friends of mine who recently have endured a unimaginable pain. A pain that I truly cannot comprehend and pray that I will never have to. They have endured this pain with such grace... or at least that's what it looks like from the outside looking in. They have called on our God to help them walk through the fire.

In fact, she recently posted how God definitely gives you more than you can handle. And I believe that.  Today, in church, it was said that in times of pain, you come out changed. You may cling to God or you may pull away...but you are never left the same.  

Scott (our preacher) said this morning that someone's pain is not comparable to someone else's. I'm so glad. Because I have and do experience pain... things that I consider hard and tough, things that make me question God's path. I'm like, "You sure? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere.. this can't be what you had in mind..." But if we were comparing my "pain" to the pain others are feeling at this moment... it's nothing. But then again, it's pain just the same. The suffering of this couple has brought me to my knees pleading for God to show up. As a result, I crave him. Which I think is the point... 

Fear not. 

Bold words. 

But my God is bolder. 

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. —PSALM 16:11 

Darling, may you always be fearless. 

 

A letter about food to my unborn child.

Dear little, tiny, beautiful baby inside my belly,

I love you. But you are grounded the moment you enter this world. (Don't worry, I said the same thing to your big sister.) 

Here's the deal. 

You don't like anything anything I feed you. ANYTHING. But you are so hungry. You need to eat so that you can grow and become strong and healthy. I need to eat so that I can survive, therefore you can survive. We cannot live off of... well, nothing. I know you're only 9 weeks or so in there, and you have a lot going on... but I'm going to need you to get it together. We need food like we need each other. 

Okay. I love you. Let's try again tomorrow. K? 

Love, 

Your very hungry, very worn out, (did I mention hungry?) 

MOM 

In the quiet...

I lay here next to her, completely overwhelmed with emotions. I guess I assumed my heart would reach capacity one day. But every day it grows more to hold the ever growing love for this (not so) tiny human. My very best friend. She rarely sits still. But tonight, she knew her mama needed some quiet snuggle time. She knows my heart. She was watching Elmo as I was staring at her. Moments of our future flashing before my eyes. I literally had to fight the tears. Will she ever fully understand how much she has changed me? Will she ever comprehend how much I love her? 

I assume this is how God feels daily...probably questioning if we will ever fully grasp His never ending love for us... His promise for our future. 

Just like quiet snuggles are needed...  so is my need for the quiet and stillness of God's peace through His word. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” —John 16:33. 

 

I Choose Joy.

Looking back on 2016, I could be the girl who talks about how crazy of a year it has been. How terrible our world seems right now. How scared I am to raise a human in our time. How drugs and violence seem to be really out of control. I could talk about my own trials and tribulations... but instead, I want to CHOOSE JOY. 

I choose to love my family more each day. 

I choose to create. 

I choose to forgive. 

I choose to forget. 

I choose to play more in 2017.

I choose to worry less. 

I choose to be more faithful to God. 

I choose to listen to His commands. 

I choose to be patient... or I'll atleast choose to try.

I choose laughter over tears. 

I choose to fight for my dreams. 

I choose exercise.

I choose wine.

I choose my friends. 

I choose my husband. 

I choose my daughter. 

I CHOOSE Joy for 2017. 

What do you choose? 

And He said, "I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the LORD before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion."

Exodus 33:19

"How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You To dwell in Your courts We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple." 

Psalm 65:4

 

"When I am angry, I will seek to be kind.."

To think how far we have come since each of these pictures. Almost 9 years later... 

God presented me with the opportunity and the need to do some self reflecting as we near a decade in our beautiful journey together. I preordered a book that comes out in January that allowed me a small sample of the first 5 chapters or what the author calls challenges.  Becky Thompson's Love Unending is exactly what I needed to hit the ground running on remembering to be not only a mother, but a wife. I often find it near impossible to be good at it all...mom, wife, teacher, daughter, friend, etc... most days I feel I'm failing at at least one if not all. 

From Facebook I'm sure it seems we have it mostly together... we love each other and we basically have since day one.  But my heart knows I need work. Chapter 2 of the book is about speaking kindly. I struggle so hard with this. While I know when to hide it, my favorite words are 4 letter words, I get frustrated easily with people and things and my annoyance is very apparent. Unfortunately, my dear husband takes most of the hit. 

Speak kindly. 

It seems so simple. It was even in our wedding vows. "When I am angry, I will seek to be kind..." 

Talk about failing.  I fail daily... almost every hour, I'm sure. Life is so busy. And I use that as my excuse to be short and rude. Sometimes, because I know we love each other I feel as though I can say anything and speak any way... 

But like the book says, "Honest conversations should never be confused with the permission to be disrespectful." 

I am thankful for the opportunity to read something that puts me in my place and makes me squirm because I KNOW I'm at fault. 

I cannot WAIT to continue with these challenges. I already want to skip ahead... but I know I need to focus the way it was intended. 

The book comes out in January and you can go ahead and preorder now if you're interested. 

Love Unending by Becky Thompson

"The tone of our voices often communicates our hearts more clearly than our words ever do. And we have the power to change the nature of every interaction by speaking with a tone that conveys kindness."

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you."

 -Ephesians 4:32

Real talk- #PreKLife

It's Friday. The last day of my first full week with my PreK kids. And do you know what I'm doing? Looking at the pictures that I took this week of my PreK kids. 

I'm tired. I'm a full time working with kids mama. I'm exhausted. 

But here I am. Just feeling my heart grow by the second. I can literally feel it expanding. It will get close to reaching its capacity. It will be broken from time to time this year. It's bound to...four year olds are good at that. But my gracious, how can I already love them all so much? 

I am thankful that teaching is like child birth. I forget how little they are when they come to me. I forget from year to year that my official title for the month of August and September is "cat herder." 

(Side note: getting 19 four year olds in a line is the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen...well maybe not ever. But it's a close second.) 

Anyway. I'm thankful for the summer amnesia that exists for teachers. I'm thankful for the entire tribe of BESt coworkers that help us out throughout the day. I'm thankful for an assistant that totally understands my wide eyes and "what is happening?" comments. I'm thankful for a wonderful cleaning staff that smiles when I tell them "I'm so sorry, a kid went #2 in the urinal." (Real life) 

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Real talk: getting my life together.

(I put the cute kid on here to keep your interest level up...)

Step 1 of getting my life together: Washing my face. (Step 2 involves making the bed in the mornings... I'm only on step 1 and I can feel your judgement.) 

Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to sell you a product. I am committing to writing a review of a product. I am NOT getting paid. I am keeping a word to a friend.

Now that we have that out of the way... 

A few weeks ago I noticed a Facebook friend of mine had an amazing complexion. 

Hold up. 

I'm going to say friend of mine. Except I never see her in person. But I feel like we are besties. 1. Because she loves a selfie as much as I do. 2. I think she's a boss at owning her life. 3. She thinks my kid is super cute. Winner by my standards.

 Anywho... 

My skin was a mess. Oily all the time. Bumps galore. Maybe it was because I was 28 and still not washing my makeup off at night like I should have been doing for at least a decade or longer. 

So, I noticed her skin. Now just so you know, she's a big time sales person and rocks at it. But I didn't want to sell. I wanted the product she used. With hesitation, I asked. 

Side note: I already had an itWorks account from earlier in the year when I tried a few things and of course bought the wraps because I think those things are the shizzzz. I don't know if they actually work, but they make me feel better about myself... so that's all that really matters. 

Back to it. She told me what she used. So I got it. And I will be honest I haven't used a ton of face products religiously so I can't compare. But I can tell you that I look forward to washing my face every morning and every evening. And for me, that's a pretty big deal. 

I mean, that's a solid extra minute of sleep I could be having. 

So, after a couple of weeks she wanted me to review it for her. Of course I'm thinking, "GAHHHH all my FB friends are going to unfriend me" (which is saying a lot because I post all the stuff about er'thing and if they haven't unfriended me after 619 days of my kid pics, they were in it to win it.) 

Well, like I said before, I'm pretty sure this girl and I could be besties. So I wanted to keep my word. So here's my review. I freaking love the face wash. And the day/night time serums. I love those too. Use em... Don't use em... Whatever you think is best. But that's my review. If you want to know more, just ask. I'll point you in the right direction. 

Now please go back to your usual Facebook newsfeed scrolling. 

But first... Let me take a selfie.

 

Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. Psalm 51:2

Why not more?

So Sunday's are my favorite. I feel the most like myself, the most like the wife, mom, and person God wants me to be on Sunday. I feel the most alive on Sunday. 

I struggle so hard to keep that feeling going all week long. By the end of Monday I am already exhausted and reaching for the weekend. But I find myself NOT reaching for God. But why?  I know why I love Sunday. I relax listening to the word of God. I find joy knowing my baby girl is in a nursery down the hall that she is finally loving and is being loved on by people who love God. 

Here's my question: Why not more? 

I have a bible, I have an app, I have my voice and my thoughts, I have the ability to worship with songs... Why am I not doing more? 

Because life is too busy? Because I have a pity party when I take my kid to the sitter instead of staying cuddled for an extra hour? Excuses. I have so many excuses. And those excuses are getting in the way of me being where I feel most at home... Right in the word of Jesus. 

So going into this new week... I am going to choose more. More time with God. More time digging into the person he wants me to be. More time making sure that sweet child of mine KNOWS without a doubt that her mama loves Jesus. 

Wouldn't it be great if every single day felt easy like Sunday morning? And I think it can. I just need to work on it. 

"Your love never fails"

Nothing can separate

Even if I ran away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

But You have new mercies for me everyday

Your love never fails

Mom life: Having the rebound rate of God

Scene: 3 new pairs of converse shoes are unboxed and the toddler picks the pinks ones out and MUST have them on her feet immediately. She was basically saying, "Mom, I don't have time for this unknot the shoelaces crap, the hardwood is obviously on fire and I need shoes to protect my feet from it." 

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm not moving fast enough for you. Anywho. I got the giant shoe on her cute, giant, size 7 foot. (We all know a size 7 converse looks like a clown foot.) 

So, the shoe is on but heaven forbid I tie the thing. I mean WHY would I even CONSIDER treating that baby that way. Tie her shoe? Her brand new pretty pink shoe that she wanted...no...NEEDED to have on her foot? In my best Pete the Cat voice, "Goodness no!" 

Well, too late. She assumed that my tying the shoe was actually going to set off some sort of missile and destroy the world so of course she flung her hands to her face and fell into the couch with all the drama. 

Incase you were concerned. Eventually I did tie the shoe. Which helped keep them on. And in fact, did not launch a death missile. Oh, and she heard the theme song to Sofia the First so everything was (insert Pete the Cat voice again) "ALL GOOD" in about 2.5 seconds. 

Good thing she's got such a good rebound rate. I mean if she held a real grudge for everything I did that she didn't like... We wouldn't be talking for the next like 65 years. 

I'm replaying it all in my head and thinking, gosh, God has a pretty good rebound rate too. Even better than MK. Because the second I doubt, the second I roll my eyes at someone, the second I sin in any shape, form, or fashion... he has already forgiven me. I could untie my laces all day long and He is not going to care from one minute to the next. My God is going to say, "Hey girl, don't trip, but if you do... I've got your back. I've got a bandaid." 

My prayer tonight is to have the rebound rate of forgiveness and understanding of my 20 month old who teaches me to be more like God every day. She may not like what I do, but she's going to forgive me within like a second. JUST like our God. He made us in His image for a reason. For that, I am thankful. I am able to see Him so much more clearly through her. 

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

What I imagine MK saying, "Mom...you're the worst!"

"Nevermind, let's cuddle and watch Disney." 

Reflecting on 27 and welcoming 28.

The clock struck midnight. The coach turned back into a pumpkin. And just like that, I'm 2 years away from being 30. I think there must be some mistake because I'm certain I was just at BBQfest my senior year having the most insane time of my life with Nikki and Libby. I mean, there was an Elvis involved. 

No mistake. I'm still having the time of my life, but instead of Elvis and BBQ, I'm throwing sprinkles for Libby's second baby, working with #allthekids and living the #momlife. This number...28... It has a really distinct sound about it. It's so close to 30. I can't say I envisioned my life any differently. I don't exactly know what I envisioned at all. But I do know this. This has been the most amazing and most trying year of my life. 

27 brought me so much joy. Having the ability to watch my Mollie Kate learn and grow has brought so much happiness into our lives. She is truly the best thing that has ever happened to us. On days that seem long and grueling, she brings the biggest smile to my face. And watching her daddy with her as she has grown brings a smile to my heart. 

On the other hand, this year I've felt much failure.  Failure as a mom. As a teacher.  As a wife. Failure with the way my body should look.  I have had some of the many heart struggles.  I set myself up with ideals of perfection, all while knowing perfection cannot and will not be achieved. I am ever so glad that God does not expect perfection out of me. I am so glad that He sees my heart even on days that seem long and tiring. 

I am taking 28 by the horns. I plan to love harder, laugh longer, and reach for my crazy dreams. With my husband, baby girl, family and friends by my side and the Lord in my heart, I know there is nothing I cannot achieve. 

And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

We live by faith, not by sight. Corinthians 5:7